On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize