Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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