A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
