girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
