I could make wine with my vomit
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
