We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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