i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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