he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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