Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
