i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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