My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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