I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
