gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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