I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
