turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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