I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
