When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
