Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
