that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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