you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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