I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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