apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
