If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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