Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
