Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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