i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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