Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
