'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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