in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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