I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize