the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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