i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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