Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Operation Purity has been aborted
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
