dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
