Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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