No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My bed smells like the plague
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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