I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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