remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
