Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
