I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
not ubering you a puppy
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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