Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
