He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Actions speak louder than pants.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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