2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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