Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
