i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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