Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
