i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
