So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
