I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
