if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
