It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize