Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
