; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
