He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
