dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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