in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
