Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
